The Big Bad Elephant Read online

The Big Bad Elephant

  A Short Story by Jonathan Brett

  Copyright 2011 Jonathan Brett

  * * *

  The world was bright and new outside the hospital where the Big Bad Wolf sat chained to an oxygen tank.

  It was spring, and the Enchanted Forest had just shaken off winter’s chilly hold. Flowers were blooming, trees were dancing in a cool spring breeze, and Wolf’s claws scratched at his wheelchair as he ached to huff and puff a cigarette.

  Cigarettes were what got him into this mess in the first place.

  “Mr. Wolf,” said a nurse who hovered on her translucent wings somewhere around his right ear. “There’s a phone call for you. It’s the Order of Evil Fairy Tale Animals.”

  “It’s probably about that Little Pigs lawsuit,” Wolf coughed. “I should have eaten them when I had the chance.”

  He waited while a nurse who wasn’t two feet tall and flying came over to wheel him to the phone.

  “Big Bad, is that you?” asked the caller.

  “Who else would it be, your grandma?” Wolf said.

  “That’s why I’m calling,” Papa Bear said. “We need you to do a job.”

  “I’m kind of busy right now,” the wolf said. He coughed and wheezed for a moment. He wiped sticky spittle from his chops.

  “You’re familiar with the grievance filed by the old lady who lives deep in the forest?” Papa Bear asked.

  “Which old lady? You know how many old ladies live in the Enchanted Forest now? I think even Snow White is a grandmother now.”

  “Mrs. Opal Riding Hood,” Bear said. “Well, anyway, her granddaughter, Red, is flittering through the forest as we speak. If we got her, we could use her as leverage against the old lady.”

  “So, you want me to get Little Red Riding Hood?” Wolf asked.

  “If possible,” Bear said.

  “Well, it’s not. Apparently the Surgeon Magician was serious about his warnings on cigarettes and I’ve huffed and puffed my way into lung cancer. Try one of the other Big Bads.”

  “All the other Big Bads are on assignment!” Papa Bear said. “I have a family to take care of and this creepy blond chick who doesn’t understand the meaning of a restraining order – I see you out there!” Wolf had to move the phone away from his ear. “Anyway, you’re our only hope.”

  “No, there’s one more,” Wolf said. He hung up the phone and dialed a number.

  “Big Bad?” Wolf asked. “This is Big Bad. I need your help.”

  “For a price,” answered the Big Bad Elephant. “If you’re in a hurry, I’d have to catch the red-eye, and you know they make me pay for four seats.”

  “Oh, the Order will pay,” said the wolf. A smile spread across his face before he fell into another coughing fit.

  * * *

  Little Red Riding Hood skipped through the forest, humming to music blasting in her earbuds. She wasn’t so little anymore and the only red on her was her hood and cloak. The gloves, though missing fingers, had one or two red stripes mixed with the white and gray ones. The rest of her clothes were black. Her combat boots thundered on the ground as she skipped along. Her black fingernails absorbed the sun. She had a backpack slung over one shoulder with her name, “R3D,” stitched across the top.

  Mr. Rabbit poked out of his hole.

  “Off to see your grandma, Red?” he asked.

  She pulled her earbud out and looked down at the furry woodland creature.

  “I’m sorry,” she said as angry music spewed out of the displaced earbud. “I missed that, Mr. Rabbit.”

  “You’ll make yourself deaf, kiddo,” Mr. Rabbit said. “Tell your grandmother I said hi. Oh, and be careful. The Big Bad Wolf may be out of the hospital by now.”

  The sun vanished behind a cloud and the magical orchestra playing in a tree behind Mr. Rabbit switched into a minor key.

  “He can bite me,” Red said. She turned her nose up.

  “I think he plans on it.”

  “Don’t worry about me, Mr. Rabbit,” Red said as she brandished her pepper spray. “I can take care of myself.”

  The sun came back out and the magical orchestra resumed the happy tune it had abandoned earlier.

  Ahead of Red, the Enchanted Forest danced in the breeze. Birds sang and flew in well-executed arcs until Red started skipping again. She distracted a robin that flew into a cardinal, causing a mid-air collision that ended in two unconscious birds and Mr. Rabbit getting a mouthful of feathers.

  Red was deep into the forest before she noticed something was wrong. In the break between songs, she noticed that there were no woodland sounds around her. As she paused her music and removed her earbuds, she found that the orchestra was only playing a solitary violin.

  Red reached into the tree and pulled out the tiny violinist, causing the music to end in a screech.

  “What’s going on?” Red demanded.

  “Stalking music,” said the tiny creature as he adjusted his tuxedo.

  “I’m being stalked?” Red asked.

  The little musician nodded. “May I continue?”

  Red put the creature back into the tree and pocketed her earbuds. Cautiously, she made her way deeper into the Enchanted Forest. The music around her continued to play softly and in a minor key. Red spun around as the music swelled.

  Her stalker was in plain sight, although he attempted to hide behind a bush that only covered his face.

  “I can see your butt,” she said.

  The elephant rose out of the small bush.

  “I didn’t mean to startle you,” he said.

  “Are you on drugs? Your eyes are red,” Red asked.

  The elephant blinked and rubbed his eyes for a moment. One of the tiny musicians came out of the tree, handed him some eye drops, and then retreated back to his instrument.

  The elephant blinked at Red. “I caught a late flight to get here.”

  “Who are you?” Red asked.

  “I’m…well…I’m an exchange woodland creature,” the elephant said. “A squirrel is back home while I’m here now.”

  “I hope he doesn’t get trampled,” Red said.

  “He picked the exchange,” the elephant said. He rubbed his trunk for a moment. “I was really cramped in that plane.” He pointed at his trunk. “I had to stow this in the overhead compartment!”

  Red eyed the elephant up for a moment. She noticed that the orchestra had switched to a tuba while he was talking. Tubas rarely meant that the person across from you was anything more than a buffoon.

  “Well, I’d invite you to walk with me, but I’m sure you’d slow me down,” Red said. “I’ll see you around.”

  Red turned and the music suddenly swelled again. Red whirled around and the elephant froze in an awkward pouncing posture.

  “Are you trying to pounce on me?” Red asked.

  The elephant stepped back and wrung his trunk in his hands. “Uh, no.”

  “I think you were,” Red said. “That looked like a standard pounce.”

  The elephant got a leaf stuck on one of his tusks. He tried to pull it off. “It wasn’t a standard pounce. It was a Leopard Type-II Pounce.”

  The elephant covered his mouth and gasped.

  “Ah-HA!” Red said. “You were trying to pounce! And you’re trained in the art of pouncing!”

  “I was in better shape in Evil Animal School,” the elephant said. “And we didn’t have tiny orchestras.”

  The elephant kicked the tree and the whole orchestra fell out with a crash.

  The woods were silent.

  “All right, kid,” the elephant said, rising to his full height. “We can do this the easy way or the hard way…”

  Red spr
ayed him in the face with her pepper spray.

  Leaving the elephant rolling in the dead leaves of the forest floor, Red resumed her walk through the Enchanted Forest.

  * * *

  Red stopped at a convenience store run by two gnomes and bought a hot dog for dinner. While she was eating, the elephant crawled in and asked for water.

  “Are you okay?” Red asked.

  “Out of shape,” the elephant gasped. He greedily drank the water from the bottle.

  “Look, if you’re going to follow me through the woods, you might want to arrange another form of transportation.” Red stepped onto his chest, over his belly, and back down on the other side. She left the convenience store.

  “May I make a suggestion?” asked one of the gnomes as it perched on his chest.

  “Sure,” the elephant said. “Anything.”

  “There’s a fairy flight service around the corner. You could hire them to flitter you a short distance.”

  The elephant gasped and gasped, and then asked for the number.